The other day I was on my way to the shop when I saw a man walking on the opposite side of the street. There’s not much point going into what I was getting from the shop as it has nothing to do with the story.
No, I saw this man walking and…well okay, if you really must know I was going to get a bottle of milk. Not a proper glass bottle – it was one of the plastic ones. I’m not even sure they sell milk in glass bottles any more. I’ll keep my eye out next time I’m at the shop and get back to you on that one. Anyway, the other day I saw a man walking on the opposite side of the street…four pints. It’s actually less than four pints, more like three and half. Three point five one nine five one two be exact. And before you ask it was whole milk, the one with a blue label. So just so we’re all on the same page – The other day I was on my way to the shop for 3.51951 pints of whole milk and I saw this man walking on the opposite side of the street. Cornflakes. It was for my cornflakes all right?
Look I’m not being funny and I know you are interested in the tale and want all the fine details but I haven’t even managed to get past the first sentence yet. Are you going to be like this all the time? I hope not. Okay here goes.
The other day I was on my way to the shop for 3.51951 pints of whole milk for my cornflakes and I saw this man walking on the opposite side of the street when… Kellog’s, they were Kellog’s Cornflakes. I don’t like the cheap ones. Not many people do to be honest. Well I don’t think they do anyway. I’ve heard people say they prefer the cheaper ones but quite frankly I think they just say that to be all contrarian. Either that or they are embarrassed because they get the funny tasting cheap cornflakes instead of Kellog’s. Not sure why anyone would buy the cheaper ones. But they do. In my opinion it’s worth paying the few extra pennies because everybody knows that Kellog’s cornflakes are the best. It says so on the box – The original and the best. You can’t argue with that can you?
So anyway. The other day I was on my way to the shop for 3.51951 pints of whole milk for my Kellog’s cornflakes and I saw this man walking on the opposite side of the street when he..It was the morning okay! When I got up I noticed that I only had a tiny little bit of milk left in the fridge so I saved that to use in a cup of tea and I was going to get a nice fresh bottle to put on my cornflakes. I know some folk like to eat cornflakes at other times of the day but not me okay? I only ever have cornflakes for my breakfast. So obviously it was morning. Right, can I carry on?
The other MORNING I was on my way to the shop for 3.51951 pints of whole milk for my Kellog’s cornflakes and I saw this man walking on the opposite side of the street when he..what? I wasn’t shouting. The capital letters were for emphasis. Don’t be so sensitive. I’ll start again.
The other morning I was on my way to the shop for 3.51951 pints of whole milk for my Kellog’s cornflakes and I saw this man walking on the opposite side of the street when he. It was a Sunday. It was a bloody Sunday okay? No it’s got nothing to do with the U2 song. You’ve just got me all wound up and I snapped. Look I’m sorry but come one? All I wanted to do was tell my story and you want the minutia of everything. I haven’t even got to the interesting bit yet. I expect you want to know what the weather was like eh? Which direction the wind was blowing from and maybe it’s reading on the Beaufort scale? The precise hue of the sky. Would you like to know that? Maybe you are interested in the temperature? Fine. Just for you…
The other Sunday morning the sky was a stunning shade of azure blue, a gentle wind was coming in from the West, which probably measured about two or three on the Beaufort scale. It was around eighteen degrees Celsius. I was on my way to the shop for 3.51951 pints of whole milk for my Kellog’s cornflakes and saw this man walking on the opposite side of the street when he..it’s a way of measuring wind speed that an Irish scientist came up with during the 1800’s. He was in the Royal Navy and his name was Francis Beaufort, they used it on boats. I don’t know the ins and outs. If you are really interested you should probably go and look it up. It has absolutely no significance to the story whatsoever. Not even sure why you asked if you didn’t know what it was. It’s not like I’ve got all the time in the world to write this.
I’m starting to think maybe my story telling isn’t what you’re used to. I’m not sure what you usually read but if you are expecting me to describe every single little thing in intricate detail then I’m afraid you’re going to be disappointed. Sorry but that’s just how it is.
And another thing if I’m being honest, I can’t remember if the sky was azure or turquoise or ultramarine. Same goes for the wind speed and temperature. I’m making it up just so I can crack on with the story and I must say it really is starting to become a bit of a strain trying to tell you all this.
Also, you do realise you don’t even know what the man on the opposite side of the street looked like? Here’s me going on about the sky and the wind and what type of milk I was going out to buy and I haven’t even told you about the man yet. Well here’s a thing, here’s something actually interesting.
That man on the other side of the street was my doppelgänger. He looked exactly like me in every conceivable way. And guess what? I went and spoke with him. We had a fascinating conversation. He explained to me who is was and why he was there and we started to come up with ideas on how to take advantage of our unique situation. We drew up plans for some quite daring escapades. Then we went out and did everything we’d planned. You should have seen us. We had a grand old time, we spent days getting up to all sorts. But I’m not going to tell you about any of it.
Just try and use your imagination for once.